So I love the work done by Brené Brown. And she has this one talk called the Anatomy of Trust. She uses “anatomy” to say that trust is made of multiple interconnected parts much like a body. But “anatomy” is a big word. Let’s change it to Lego Pieces of Trust.
This picture is my favorite Summary of the Anatomy of Trust. I don’t know who did it, but I like it. I will be using that summary in the rest of the post.
Trust and Legos
Now to explore the Acronym of BRAVING using Legos as an example:
Boundaries
I trust you if you are clear about your boundaries and you hold them, and you’re clear about my boundaries and you respect them.
Legos have clear boundaries. The edges are sharp and clean. They have a miniscule amount of give, but not too much. This helps them to hold together really well. Boundaries, principles, and laws are sometimes seen as a fence keeping you in or keeping you out, and Legos most certainly can do that. But Boundaries, principles, and laws can also be seen as something you can build/ work with – like the principles of engineering or the laws of aerodynamics.
Reliability
You do what you say you’re going to do. We have to be very clear on our limitations so we don’t take on so much that we come up short, and don’t deliver on our commitments
My grandpa once gave me a zipper baggie full of my dad’s old Legos (not mint condition by a long stretch). I think they are from the late ’60s early ’70s. They all still fit and work with my kids current Legos. Legos are very reliable.
Here’s what Wikipedia has to say: “Lego bricks from 1958 still interlock with those made in the current time, … Each Lego piece must be manufactured to an exacting degree of precision. … The machines that manufacture Lego bricks have tolerances as small as 10 micrometres.”
Accountability
I can only trust you if when you make a mistake, you’re willing to own it, apologize for it, and make amends. I can only trust you if when I make a mistake, I am allowed to do the same.
Legos can be counted on. When I make a mistake with Legos, I am able to fix it. I may be layers deep, it may take a long time, it may make my fingernails hurt, but I can fix it.
Vault
What I share with you, you will hold in confidence. Also, you do not share things with me that are not yours to share, because then my trust in you is diminished.
Legos can be fun to share. You can make up fun stories with Legos. But please friends, don’t share stories that are not yours to share, and don’t share Legos that are not yours to share.
Integrity
Choosing courage over comfort, choosing what’s right over what’s fun, fast, or easy, and practicing your values not just professing them.
Courage over comfort? Is this where I talk about walking on Legos? ^_^
Integration (Integrity) is where we take the little, compartmentalized pieces of ourselves and pull them together into one whole. I think Legos are a good representation of that.
Non-Judgement
I can fall apart, ask for help and me in struggle, without being judged by you, and you can do the same with me. If you cannot ask for help, and they cannot reciprocate, that is not a trusting relationship. Real trust doesn’t exist unless help is reciprocal in non-judgement.
Legos can fall apart. ^_^
‘Nuff said.
Generosity
Our relationship is only a trusting relationship if you can assume the most generous thing about my words, intentions, and behaviors. And then check in with me.
When my kids play with Legos, they start with a basic idea of what they want to build. And they tell me what it looks like. And sometimes I need to tilt my head a little, but usually I can see it. And then they go back and add to it, and check back in with me, and add to it, and check with me and so on. Pretty soon the thing looks amazing!
Building Trust in Yourself
The questions for today are also from the summary
If you find yourself in struggle with trust, the first thing to examine is how you treat yourself:
- Did I honor my own boundaries?
- Was I reliable?
- Can I count on myself?
- Did I hold myself accountable?
- Was I really protective of my stories?
- Did I stay in my integrity?
- Was I judgmental toward myself?
- Was I generous with myself?
- Did I give myself the benefit of the doubt?
If BRAVING relationships is braving connection, self-trust is BRAVING self love and self-respect. “We can’t ask people to give us something that we do not believe we are worthy of receiving.”