Let’s do an exercise together. Just humor me for a little bit.
Think of one thing that didn’t go right today. Stay with me. Don’t go making a list of ALL the things. Don’t do it. Now focus on just the one thing. The very disappointing thing. Yes, you can pick something from yesterday. Ok, Yes you can pick something from this week. Stop. Stop. A month is too far. No, we can worry about older stuff later. One recent, disappointing thing.
Are you kicking yourself for it?
A. I think it’s my fault. I really messed up. What is wrong with me?
B. I think it’s someone else’s fault. I shouldn’t have trusted them. I shouldn’t let people do that to me.
C. I put way too many resources into that thing and it failed. I shouldn’t make that kind of a gamble again. I don’t ever want to risk that again.
D. I don’t know. It just hurts. I’m just gonna go and [insert preferred self sabotage here].
How are you talking to yourself right now? Is it ugly?
Now Imagine a Dear Friend
If you had a friend going through the same thing, what would you say to them? Okay, yes there is the impulsive, insensitive thing you could say first. Not that one. Imagine you were just really in your element, and you could shut your mouth before the insensitive thing popped out, and you said the thing that your friend really needed in the moment. (Then after they felt loved and supported, you could both laugh over the stupid thing that came to your mind – or not, it’s your friend after all, you know what’s ok for you to joke about.)
Bait and switch! It’s not your friend, it’s actually YOU! You can speak like a friend to yourself. You can be one of your biggest supporters. You can validate your feelings and speak an uplifting truth to yourself.
Ex: I feel like a [insert shame statement here] but I know that isn’t true, because I know [insert uplifting truth statement here].
Yes, you still need friends and dear ones. Validation from others and hearing uplifting truths from others is still vital. But, the harsh reality is: If you don’t say kind things to yourself, you will never believe it from others. They can tell you until they are blue in the face, but you have – whatever it is that you have going on – playing on a loop in your head.
Question For You
What loop are you going to play?