I have ADHD. With that came a lot of failure. With the failure came a lot of shame dumping from teachers who were trying to “fix” me and “motivate” me. What they couldn’t see was that I was already close to shut down. Any attempt to “help” or “talk to me about it” pushed me past my limit, and I would shut down – not externally, but internally. The wall of failure STILL looms so large that I am still pertified in certain areas. Trauma is real.
And then, there’s my kids. And I LOVE them. I would never want that to happen to them. I know how empty life is when you are in shut down. I know how much agency it has stolen from me. And so in my fear for what could happen to them, I try to super-mom (super-teacher) them out of it. I rescue them. I keep the bad things away.
But here’s the kicker, I try to prevent the bad things from happening by trying to “fix”, and “motivate”, and “help”. Before I had a firm understanding of shame, I did that too. Oh! And control! Yeah, I was all about controling outcomes. I was trying to keep alllll the bad away. I thought love was about rescuing people. I thought it was about sooner rather than later. And I was meddling big time. I let my anxiety and my worries drive. I was not acting like the kind of mom (teacher) I wanted to be.
Magical Solution
There isn’t one.
Diligent Work
It takes effort. It takes day by day hard work. Rescuing, at least the way I was doing it, doesn’t work. What I needed to communicate to my kids was that I believe in them. That they will mess up. That I will mess up. That their value is not fragile: it will not break from falures and mistakes. That we can all make mistakes, heal from them and learn from them.
I communicated that I was generally a safe place for them to heal. And I strive everyday to be. But I have my limitations, and asking for those limits to be respected is a very good thing. I give them alternative sources for reprieve. I have the ability to be safe because I am safe for myself. I can communicate their great worth because I believe in mine.
It’s not a pass or fail kind of thing (I believe I am of great worth or I don’t). It’s more like a direction. I look around, and I continue to follow things that increase my belief that I have great worth. I look around and heed the messages that give me greater agency, without taking it from others. I follow good principles the best I can and pay attention to the payoffs of that diligent effort.
And If I can do it, ADHD, mistakes, trauma and all, then my kids can do it too. They aren’t defective: I don’t need to “fix” them. They don’t need more “motivation”: they need understanding. They don’t need to be “rescued”: they do need a safe place to land. I can’t control the outcomes, and I don’t want to. I like the kind of mom (teacher) I am becoming.
- What helps you communicate confindence in those you nurture?
- If you are not a parent, what words would you put in place of “mom” and “kids/children” so it is more applicable to you?