Shame, the Enemy of Change

Courage, courage courage

Writing this post takes courage. Starting off my Journal with Shame? Ughhh! This is hard.
Shame is so hard to speak about at first. And right off the bat. Oh boy! This is tough.

Courage, courage, courage

Emma, remember why you are doing this. You want to give your lovely loving ladies resources to healing and growth.

Okay. Here goes!

What is Shame and How is it Holding me Back?

Shame is when I do something wrong, But I believe that I am wrong. Like I am the thing in the equation that didn’t work. I didn’t make an error, I am the error. People should have never made me part of the equation. I messed everything up. I am a mistake. I am a loser. I am a bad mom. I am a bad daughter. I am lazy. I am slow. I am stupid. So stupid! I am ugly. I am fat. No one will ever want me. I can’t ever belong. Not to anyone.

See which word I put in bold?

That has been one key I use to detect Shame in myself.

Shame is a False Identity.

In my house we call it “name calling”. No one is allowed to do name calling to eachother or to themselves. Shame calls you something. If you are that thing, you cannot escape it. You cannot change. You cannot act. You are stuck with it.
But shame is wrong! You are not what you do.

This is where Guilt can help

Guilt is where you do something wrong and you own it. You are not the wrong thing, you have the wrong thing, you did the wrong thing, you acted in the wrong way. Let’s take some things from the Shame Paragraph and change them into Guilt.

Shame Guilt is when I do something wrong, But I believe that I am wrong and I realize I have made a mistake. Like I am the thing in the equation that didn’t work. There is something in my equation that didn’t work. I’m going to need to check that. I didn’t make an error, I am the error. I made an error. People should have never made me part of the equation. I messed everything up. People who are important to me are counting on me. I want to make this right. I may need to ask for help.
I am made a mistake.
I am a loser I lost big time. It still stings.
I am acted like a bad mom. I want to do better for my kids.
I am acted like a bad daughter. I know I can say “no” in a kinder more respectful way than that.
I am acted lazy … yup … Yeah, that wasn’t the best.
I am slow.
“I am not fast” ~ Baymax, Big Hero 6
I am like Baymax. I’m okay with that. (Changing what the Identity means about me)
I am stupid. Not gonna lie. That was really stupid. So stupid! I did it and, yeah, bad idea.

I am have ugly. ^_^ just kidding
I’m going to so, say that back to the voice in my head next time I’m looking in the mirror!
“I’m not ugly! I have ugly! AAAhhlll over my face!”
(humor helps so much)
But really. I am someone who sees beauty, dignity, and humanity in every face I look at. And that includes my own face. I am beautiful.
(Sometimes shame is flat out wrong.)

I am have fat. I own it. It’s on my body. I love my body. Some people say that if I really loved my body, I wouldn’t want to change it. But this isn’t working for me. I want to treat my body right. I want to take care of my body. But I’m struggling to do it. I might need help. This is hard to do alone. I want to do this, but I need someone who is safe, someone who won’t shame me. Someone who won’t shame me for the fat I have. Someone who won’t shame me for trying – hoping – to change.

No one will ever want me. I can’t ever belong. Not to anyone. You don’t have to fit-in to belong. You don’t have to fit in to belong here. You are worthy of love and belonging. You just simply are. <3

~ Emma Swan Johnston

Questions for you

• How will you stop shame in its tracks?
• What methods are helpful to you?