It’s one thing when other people use shame to devalue or control another person, it’s another thing when we shame ourselves. I know the temptaion, if devaluing others makes them easier to control, wouldn’t that make it easier to control myself too? Or somehow I feel if I don’t I won’t get better. Or Sometimes I don’t feel like I’m being “honest” if I’m not actively putting myself down.
But devaluing myself to control myself destroys my agency and my self worth. Attacking myself worth is not a marker of self discipline – it is the opposite of self discipline. Putting down myself, or anyone else ignores the truth of the value of human beings: everyone is worthy of love and belonging.
A Reminder Mostly for Me
Body fat is not who you are.
You have body fat – Own It. Don’t make it your identity.
Make a firm boundary – I will never call myself fat, not even in my mind. I will never call another person fat, not even in my mind.
You are allowed to validate FEELINGS. You are allowed to say, “I feel fat” as long as it is followed by a worth affirming truth statement, like, “I have fat” or “this is shame, I am feeling shame right now.”
Also follow Feeling-statements with curiosity. “I wonder what triggered that”. Curiosity is an excellent tool for critical thinking and problem solving.
Remind yourself regularly that you are worthy of love and belonging. As you do, you will open doors of connection. Shame makes connection painful. Shame from someone you were trying to connect to can be traumatic. It can make you swear off connection all together. Don’t let shame win. Look for safe ways to connect. Become a safe person to connect to, by refusing to shame yourself or others.
When you self depricate, people may laugh but no one feels safe. By attacking yourself, you signal that any one is fair game for being attacked too. By calling yourself fat, you are preaching that it is socially acceptable to attack yourself and others based on their body type. By striking this language from your vocabulary, you make your social sphere a safe place to be.
Be kind to yourself. Be fiercely kind.
A Note
Maybe “I’m Fat” is not the main thing you struggle with. Feel free to replace the word “fat” with the shame identity that you are struggling with the most right now. For example:
Ugly, stupid, a dormat, failure, monster, flake, a bad [insert relationship here] …
If a one to one substitution is clunky, feel freee to change some of the wording to fit.
Happy Sunday
[…] is the reason why it is so important to be very careful about how I speak to myself. (See the post “Strike ‘I’m fat’ From Your Vocabulary”.) This is why it’s important to take a pause before acting. (See the post […]