I want you to imagine a doorway with light pouring in through it. I want you to imagine the door when it is mostly open and when it is mostly shut. Light still comes in, but the degree matters.
The light represents love, connection, and belonging. (I know that they say “love is an open door“, but I think that love comes through the open door). The door represents the things that block love. Self compassion opens the door by degrees. Shame closes the door by degrees.
Door Ajar, Door Wide Open
Shame is “I am bad“. Guilt is “I did something bad“. Shame is the belief that you are defective and therefore are not worthy of love and belonging. Shame pinpoints the specific things that exclude you from love. The parts of me that I hate, that I hide, they don’t deserve love. Shame thrives in secrecy. What better way to sheild the ugly parts from being seen than to hide them behind the door? And so, I recieve less and less light.
Self compassion is “I am worth encouraging”. If I failed to live my values self compassion says, “I tried, I failed, I’m trying again, I’ll get help this time.” If I’m feeling shame, self compassion acknowledges the feeling without over identifying with it. (“I feel ashamed” not “I am ashamed”). Self compassion says I am not alone, and that others struggle just like I do. Self compassion leads me share with people who are safe and recieve empathy. Self compassion helps me to love even the ugly, broken parts of me. Self Compassion opens the door.
The Doorway Also Lets Light Out
“We can only love others as much as we love ourselves.” – Brené Brown
“We can only love others as much as we love ourselves.” When I read that for the first time it made me deeply uncomfortable. I thought about people that I judged as more deserving of love than me. But when the door analogy started forming in my head, it finally made sense. I may think that they are worthy of love, but I can’t give them that love when my door is blocking it. The degree to which I’m willing to recieve love, is the degree to which I am willing to share my love. Love isn’t just giving – love is connecting. I cannot shut out other’s love for me without shutting out my love for them too.
And please remember, if someone is closing off their love from you, they are doing it to themselves too. It can be painful, but it doesn’t mean you are not worthy of love and belonging. (Or in the double positive way of saying it – you are always worthy of love and belonging.) Boundaries are love. Connecting with those who shame you does not help you to protect your worth, agency, or dignity – and it doesn’t protect theirs either.
[…] was inspired that my last post was about Self Compassion. I really needed that today. I had a moment this moring when I was really angry at my kids. I chose […]