Do I Think I’m Worth Protecting?

In my post “What Are Your Boundaries Protecting?” I pointed out that you protect what you value. A person could have the best laid out plan to create and enforce boundaries, but if they don’t think what is on the inside is worth protecting, that person simply won’t maintain the boundaries.

My boundaries are usually made to protect me – boundaries keep me safe.

Do I think I’m worth protecting?

Yes, But What About Other People?

I’m a mom. Many of my boundaries are made to protect my children. I’m a spouse. Some of my boundaries are made to preserve that relationship. There are others in my sphere of influence who are under my protection. I cherish many relationships and naturally develop boundaires to protect those relationships.

But there is a problem: boundaries protecting different things often conflict with each other.

If I had to choose, whould I protect myself or my family?

This is where my boundaries die.

Repairing Boundary Conflicts

But what if I built my boundaries differently? What if I based all of my boundaries around protecting the same thing? Well, then my boundaries could integrate and build off of each other.

For example, If I only value my own health and well-being, when a child cries at night, I may do whatever I can to get them to stop bothering me so I can protect my sleep. I may act calloused. I may reason that tv or candy may be the answer, just so long as it gets me back to sleep quickly. However, If I only value my child’s health and well-being, I may tip-toe cater to their needs while neglecting my own.

If I value everyone’s health and well-being, I approach the situation of a crying child differently. I value my sleep. I value their sleep. They might have a different goal than I do, and they may not be onboard with the “everyone needs sleep” plan. I may need to do some triage on what gets taken care of now, and what gets taken care of later. I will probably fail in some areas. I will repair what I can, and then improve my game plan for the next time this happens.

An Integrated System

Over and over again, I find that the two main values for my boundaries are increasing agency and that everyone is worthy of love and belonging: Agency and Worth. When I place a boundary, I carefully consider how it holds up to these two main values.

Here are some of the questions I ask myself. Maybe they could help you too.

Agency

• Does this boundary help me to have agency (power to chose)?
• Does it allow other people room to make their own choices?
• For children, how do my boundaries preserve their power to choose now, as well as their power to choose later?
• What is the next step that will lead to more power to choose?
• Will it give me power to make and keep long term choices?

Worth

• Does my boundary protect my self worth?
• Does it protect my dignity?
• Does it help me to feel like I belong? (Not just fit-in, but to Belong)
• Does it help me to connect with others?
• Does it help me to feel secure in my own mind and in my own body?
• Does my boundary seek to nurture those things in others?
• How do I show that someone else’s perspective is valuable while still valuing my own perspective?
• What does my boundary communicate to others?
• When someone devalues me or others around me, am I clear about Person -> Loveable, Behavior -> Not okay.