I Need to ‘Have’ Before I Can Give

“You cannot draw from an empty well.” I’ve heard this phrase a great deal. It means that you have to renew yourself – care for yourself, love yourself, actually eat something – so that you are in the condition to help others.

Caring for yourself is something you can do better than anyone else. It is in your circle of control (for the most part). As you focus on the things you can choose – like self care – your ability to choose grows. Your ability to influence other’s grows as well. (For example, If I go to the bathrooom instead of wetting my pants, I can then instruct my child to go to the bathroom instead of wetting their pants. I also have the added benefit of clean pants. ^_^)

When Other’s Request What You Cannot Give

Brené Brown has found in her research that the most compassionate people are the most boundaried. They can give, because they know where it ends, and are not sucked dry. They know what they can give, and what they cannot. They know how to act when other people try to cross those bounds.

Here are the things I say to myself when in that situation:

• When someone wants time, money, or energy that is set aside for my family – That has already been allocated to my children or my spouse, I cannot take this away from my family. What is theirs is sacred to me.
• When someone wants something from me when I am close to a meltdown – I am not available right now. I will be available later. I will be able to help them better after I calm down.
• When someone asks for something I am already lacking – I give not, because I have not. If I had, I would give.
• When someone asks for me to subject myself to demeaning behavior from them – Me being smaller does not make them bigger. If it doesn’t build up both parties, I will not participate.
• When someone asks me to do something that will diminish my agency or integrity – I have worked hard to gather my agency and my integrity. I will not let it go. Or even, Not talking to them is the best chance for both people to have agency.

So, how do you respond to people taking more than you can give?