Does It Really Need Your Protection?

Yesterday, at the end of my post, I asked these questions:

• Are you noticing that some of your boundaries are clashing?
• Can you identify what those boundaries are protecting?
• Is there a way to redraw your boundaries to protect both things?
• If not, does one boundary need to be powered down for a while?
• When you get to the heart of it, do both things really need your protection?

Notice how I didn’t say, “Are both things really worth protecting?” When I ask myself these questions, My thoughts are, of course both things are worth protecting. Boundaries are worthwhile, but are costly to build and maintain. Something inside must be worth the cost.

Circle of Concern

To use the language of the late Stephen R Covey (Sr.), that worthwhile thing is in my “Circle of Concern”. It’s important to me, it makes an impact on my life, health, and wellbeing so it is in my Circle of Concern. Things I can control that impact my life, things I can’t control that impact my life, if I’m aware of it, it’s in my Circle of Concern.

Circle of Control

All of these things are worth protecting. But I can’t possibly do all the protecting, and the boundary making and enforcing. I have to start smaller, with the things I can control and manage: my Circle of Control. I focus my energy on the things that I have a direct impact on, things I am directly responsible for. I place my boundaries around the things that only I can protect: the things that really need my protection.

Circle of Influence

But there are still other things that are important to me that do need to be protected. I just can’t do it alone. I begin to partner with other people – Circle of Influence. Maybe I can’t maintain this boundary on my own, but I can take the morning shift, if they take the evening shift. Or maybe, I need to hand this responsibilty over to someone completely. Sometimes that has a better outcome than I could have dreamed of. Sometimes not. Sometimes the outcome is that I get hurt, and I can’t stop it from coming. What I can do is have emotional first aid handy, and surround myself with good people, so that I have a safe place to heal.