We will get to Forgiving Yourself, but first wee need to do an overview of Forgiveness in general.
Loss and Destruction
At a very painful point in my life, I was trying really hard to forgive myself and others. I kind of got the sense that I was holding myself to the wrong definition of that word. (“You keep using that word. I don’t think it means what you think it means.”) So, I started to research what forgiveness is. Eventually I looked up the etymology of the word, like you do.
for- prefix usually meaning “away, opposite, completely,” from Old English for-, indicating loss or destruction, but in other cases completion. (emphasis added)
*ghebh-, Proto-Indo-European root meaning “to give or receive.” The basic sense of the root probably is “to hold,” which can be either in offering or in taking.
If you read my post “The Power of Letting Go“, you may remember that letting go, loss, and grief are all tied to each other.
When I read the etymology of forgiveness, I had a light bulb moment. Oh, forgive means to “let go”, it means I will experience loss, I will feel grief. No wonder it hurts so bad. I thought I would decide to forgive and then I would feel peace and love immediately. HA!
Instead, when I’m trying to forgive someone (especially myself) all the nasty emotions and obscure memories float to the surface. For a while, I feel worse, not better. What! Why! I’m trying to forgive. This is a good thing. Then why am I so angry?
Reasons for Being Angry When Trying to Forgive
If it didn’t really happen or it wasn’t a big deal, then I can’t let go, because I never had it. Denial is not forgiveness. That stuff bubbles up to the top because I need to validate when my needs were ignored, or my hopes were crushed. Only then can I let it go.
If I blamed myself for actions that belong to someone else, I can’t let go, because it’s not mine (I stole it). I need to return ownership of the actions to thier rightful owner. I don’t need to shame the owner, and use name calling. I need to say their actions belong to them – ownership. Example: They are not a liar, but they did lie. Blaming myself and letting ‘them’ off the hook is not forgiveness.
If I was hoping for reconciliation, I may wish to trust ‘them’ again. But trust is not forgiveness. Sometimes the thing I need to let go of is the chance to reconcile.
Sometimes I don’t hold to boundaries unless I’m angry. So, I hold on to my anger to protect myself. When I forgive, I fear I will drop my boundaries because in my mind, treating ‘them’ this way (not speaking to them, not being vulnerable with them, holding them to account) isn’t love. It feels yucky, and ‘they’ don’t like it. Here’s the thing healthy boundaries are love. Ignoring the boundaries I need is not forgiveness.
A Word About Letting Go of the Right Things
When I forgive, I take time to ponder which thing I need to let go. My first impulse tends to be … destructive. I often let go of something that I needed to hold on to. I recenter myself, and listen. If I don’t get an answer, I move forward with the wisest course I can take.
Now, Back to Forgiving Yourself
The most important person for you to forgive is yourself. Much like how self compassion opens the door to love, forgiving yourself opens you to forgiving other people.
If you are having a hard time forgiving yourself, it could be for various reasons. Maybe these questions can help you pin point the problem.
- What did you loose/ miss out on because of your own actions?
- Do you feel like you destroyed something?
- When you started to try to forgive yourself, did even more stuff come to the surface?
- Are there things that you think ‘should’ be no big deal, but for whatever reason hold extra meaning for you?
- How will you validate those feelings of loss?
- Are you in shame and blame mode?
- Are you taking responsibility for something that isn’t yours?
- Are you trying too hard to keep something from ever happening again?
- Do you need to let go of an outcome?
- Did you know that you don’t have to trust yourself to forgive yourself?
- What is something you can trust yourself with?
- Did you ignore your own boundaries?
- How will you choose which thing to let go of?
- Were you unable to recognize that you have already started to forgive yourself, because you didn’t expect it to be so painful?
- When you do feel the peace of forgiveness, consider writing down some of your journey to peace.
[…] I wrote about forgiving yourself earlier this week, I […]