Maintaining Boundaries: Close the Gate

In the last post, I talked about my struggle with my trigger food: ice cream. I teased that this post would be about a better strategy to maintaining boundaries. Well here it is:

Trefoil Ranch

For years I attended Trefoil Ranch, a Girl Scout Camp up in Provo Canyon. I went by the camp name of Jack Rabbit, or just Jack. I loved attending all the horse camps, where I literally learned to get back on the horse. I especially loved when I had the opportunity to do the WIT (Wrangler In Training) program where I was able to help the Riding Staff teach riding lessons to the younger girls. The other WITs and I were also given opportunities to conduct other camping lessons, be incharge of some crafts, and lead the girls in camp songs. It was great fun.

How did we get to the stables? Well, after hiking a dusty trail up a mountainous hill (and unintentionally consuming our DRI of a tablespoon of said dust from that trail), we would reach the stables. Before you entered the stables there was a gate and some very conveniently placed Porta potties, or as we called them BIFFYs (Bathroom In the Forest For You). Everyone would be encouraged to use the Biffy and wash their hands at the spigot before going through the gate. The most important rule at this point was close the gate. Always close the gate behind the last camper. Then we would put on riding helmets and continue with the riding lesson for that day.

Now what if you were the type of camper who really took that whole “Drink Pleanty of Water” thing to heart? And what if you really had to go? Well, you would grab a buddy (we used the buddy system for everything) and the two of you would head back to the gate, making sure to close it, and back to the biffys. Then wash your hands and back through the gate. And again – Always Close the Gate!

Get Back on the Horse

My perfectionism can really trip me up at times. When I’m trying a new habit or, creating a new system, or enforcing a new boundary, I have the tendancy to want to make it the mega-ultra version. If it’s a new habit, I am determined that this is the new Emma and I will NEVER do that old thing again. If it’s a new system, say for laundry, I will try to make one that calculates every possibility, and is 100% failproof. If it’s a boundary it goes from what should be a line in the sand to a solid, Behemoth-like wall, tastefully decorated with barbed wire at the top: no way to get in, no way to get out.

But then I fail. I trip up, I slip up, I fall off the wagon. and there is no way to get back up again.

And then I remember to apply a lesson I learned from Riding Horses all of those summers: get back on the horse. Make it easy to get back on the horse.

Multiple Levels of Good Enough

So I started to change the way I made my systems. I knew I would fail eventually. I needed to create systems that could break and be put back together again – like what legos do. If I have a month where I really can’t fold laundry, that’s okay, our system is robust enough to start again when we are able to fold again.

One of the things that helped was having multiple levels of good enough. I have clean baskets and dirty baskets for each family member. If my kids have to dig though their clean laundry basket every day for a month, that’s good enough. If I don’t get to folding, but I can stuff the clothes into the correct drawer, that’s good enough. If I fold the clothes AND put them away, that is good enough and feels really good, and helps things go more smoothly. But it doesn’t last forever and that’s okay.

Same thing with Keto. I need to have multiple levels of good enough. Yes, ideally I want to do the optimal version of Keto for me every day. But that’s not reality. So I try not to make it all or nothing. I have levels of Strict Keto, Lazy Keto, and Keto-ish that all work for me. Cheat meals and cheat days just become binge days: Let’s see how much Garbage I can stuff into my face with in a 24 hour time period. They fill me with self loathing and make me resent Keto. But when I have multiple levels of good enough, I feel like my efforts are good enough, and I feel more joyful about Keto.

Grab a Buddy and Close the Gates

But, there are some things where “multiple levels of good enough” does not work. In these situations, I feel like if I put one toe in that water, I will get sucked in and be over my head. In those situations how do I ‘get back on the horse’? It feels impossible. I do what I did at Trefoil Ranch: I grab a buddy and I close the gates.

I’m taking the next few pictures from an addiction recovery blog that I really respect.

These are the multiple boundaries that I may have in place to protect myself from binging on my trigger food. For me, one boundary is not enough.

I rationalize that this thing or that thing isn’t so bad. Or I get curious about what something is like now that I haven’t done it in a while. I think I can handle a little. I set it up so that I could do the thing and lie to myself that I won’t. And then I start to.

But, because I have put multiple boundaries in place, I have more of a chance to stop myself. I Stop, Reach Up, and Reach Out. For me Reaching Up is calling on a higher power. For you it may be a call to authority: Principles that you know are true and work, or watching conference video or Ted talk to reinforce truth. Reaching Up is about accessing a source of power and authority outside of myself. Reaching Out is about accountability, support, and empathy. I call a person who supports me in reaching my goals. they don’t minimize what I did wrong. They don’t shame me either. They listen to my failure and they give me empathy, which is something I sorely need after I fail. They may help me brainstorm, but ultimately, they honor my agency and autonomy. I like keeping a list of a few friends who can do this for me. Community support is a powerful thing.

This is what I meant when I said grab a buddy. Sometimes I walk with a friend who helps me close the gates and lock them. Sometimes God is the one who walks with me and shows me not only how to close the gates, but even where to place them. Sometimes on this walk, God points out the weak places in my fence, and gives me tasks that somehow fix the weak places.

How Will You Apply It?

Which tool do you think/ feel will help you to move forward today? Consider writing down answers to any one of these prompts:

Make it easier to get back on the horse

• Define what ‘on the horse’ looks like for you.
• What things help you restart when you are discouraged?
• What things act like a ‘helmet’ to make failures hurt less?

Have multiple levels of good enough

• What helps you feel nourished and cared for?
• What things make a meal feel like a meal and not just food?
• What do you say about Keto to yourself? to others? Words are powerful.

Multiple boundaries

• What is the last boundary I ignore before I binge? and the one before that? and the one before that? and so on
• Are there interpersonal boundaries that I need but am not enforcing?
• Do I need boundaries around the media (Commercials, YouTube, Food Blogs) I consume?

Stop, Reach Up, Reach Out

• What does Reaching Up look like for you?
• Who can you Reach Out to? Consider making them favorites on your phone, or forming a Group Me support group.

Grab a Buddy and Close the Gates

• Who can you trust to walk trough the circumstances and feelings you went through the day that you binged?
• What gates do you feel you need to close today?