I Went Through Something Impossibly Hard

Falling Down

When my youngest son was around 5 months old, I went though something in my personal life that felt impossibly hard. Emotionally, I felt like I had taken a hit and fallen on the mat. My face stung from the fall on that mat. As I lay in a puddle of agony and shame forming around me, I considered not getting up again. Not trying, just keeping my head low. I was afraid of another blow. I couldn’t take another blow.

I had experienced a fall.

I needed something to drown out the crowd of negative voices ringing in my ears. I didn’t want to numb out: not this time. I thought listening to audiobooks would be a healthy choice. I started to listen to Brené Brown’s books on my library app. I couldn’t, just couldn’t start with “Daring Greatly“. I didn’t want to do anything daring. I didn’t want to do anything great. I just wanted to stop hurting. I felt so alone.

I started with “Braving the Wilderness” – a book about standing for what you feel is right, even if you have to stand alone. It felt appropriate. I was alone. I had tried to stand for what was right. I had tried to stand up for myself and for my family. It didn’t go well. The outcomes were not what I expected. It hurt.

Rising Strong

After I had devoured “Braving the Wilderness”, I went on to “Rising Strong“. It felt like the best book in the world! So many stories gloss over the failures and the falls. This one put a pause button on that moment when you are lying down on the mat. That is exactly where I was – stuck in that on-the-mat moment. It went on forever. I needed something to validate how stuck it feels, and how hard it is to get back up again. I needed to know I was brave for being there, brave for being vulnerable to falling, and taking a fall. And I found something I didn’t know I had: bravery to get back up again. Maybe not today, Maybe not tomorrow. But I started to see it was possible, and I wanted it again.

It was around this time that my youngest son was learning how to sit up. Head control is vital to sitting up. Core strength is vital too. He had enough of both. I could put him into the sitting position and he would be able to stay up … for a while. But eventually he would fall over, usually face first (’cause that’s what babies do). I could have focused on trying to help him with his balance, but what he really needed was to learn how to put himself into the sitting position. He needed to strengthen his arms.

I realized that was what I was going through emotionally. I had focused on getting my “Head Control” right (what gets to stay and what doesn’t). Head control lead to lifting my head (seeing the world differently, seeing that I could do more). Head lifts helped me to exercise my “Core Strength” (living my values). They each kept on building on each other. I felt like I was strong and upright and making some progress in my life. Life had put me in a sitting position. All I had to do was keep balanced, and never fall down. The idea of falling was very scary at this point. And then, my worst fears were starting to come true. So I just “balanced” harder – until I was pushed too far and I landed on my face.

Get back up Again

With this insight from my little one, I started to see that it was time to strengthen my arms. Babies strengthen their arms with little baby push-ups. Strengthening my arms looked like small commitments that I kept to myself, ones I knew I could keep. It looked like giving myself grace when I couldn’t keep a commitment. It looked like contributing to a group, even when my offering was small. It looked like saying “no” to give more power to my “yes” . A big baby push up was being accountable for my actions instead of sliding into blaming myself for every outcome.

Eventually, I was strong enough to get into that sitting position. I didn’t stay there. I still don’t stay there. I fall all the time. It still HURTS. But I have learned how to get back up again, and falling isn’t so scary anymore.

Now it’s Your Turn

Ask yourself some of these questions. Not all of the questions need to be answered, just the ones that seem relevant today. Writing it down sometimes helps.

Falling Down

• What does a fall look like to you? Like you failed? Like someone failed you? Like life failed you?
• There are likely small falls that you have gotten back up from. What are they? Celebrate it!
• Is there a big fall that you have yet to get back up from? Is it time to start lifting your head?

Head Control

• What practices help you get your head in the right place?
• How do you know which voice in your mind to follow? What rings true to you?
• What do you do to “drown out the crowd” and focus on the things that help you progress?

Lifting Your Head

• Who do you go to when you need a fresh perspective? Are they a source you trust?
• Does seeing the good in yourself help?
• Does seeing the good in the world help?
• What gratitude practice would work in your situation?

Core Strength

• What are some of your core values?
• What do you do when two core values conflict?
• What do you do when you don’t live true to your core values?
• Is there a core value that is very hard to live right now? Consider getting a higher perspective on what that core value means. Consider putting boundaries around what you value.

Balence

• What helps you to keep your balance?
• What can you safely lean on while regaining your balance?
• Most people only use crutches when they need them. Do you need a crutch right now?

Baby Push-ups

• What is a small commitment that you can keep today?
• What’s the difference between accountability and blame for you?
• How does giving yourself grace strengthen you?
• How does contributing build you up? What small offering can you make?