Happy is Not Always Excited

I’ve been thinking about emotional regulation recently. I thought I would share a funny story about it.

I was talking to the therapist for my son (I’ll call him “L”). L has what used to be called Asperger’s Syndrome, but is now considered part of Autism Spectrum Disorder. (He also has ADHD, but that’s a story for another day.) I was describing a situation where I told my son L that if he made a certain choice, he would be happier. The therapist interrupted saying,

“No, don’t use ‘happy’. Yeah, we don’t aim for happy, we aim for calm.”
I must have looked confused.
She continued, “See for a lot of people with Autism, when you say ‘happy’, they think ‘excited’. See for them ‘happy’ is an elevated feeling. You can’t stay up there all the time. Even if you could, you wouldn’t want to. It would be too exhausting. We aim for calm.”

I said, “That’s interesting, because when I think about happy, it can be excited, but it can also be calm and contented.”
(Mind blown)

Talking to My Sister

Later that day I called my sister, she is also on the Autism Spectrum (also has sky-high ADHD). When I learn new things about Autism, I share them with her to see if it resonates with her. It helps me to be more understanding of what her reality is like. It also helps me to get a better understanding of what my son may be going through. So I shared with her about excited and happy.

“Hey, [this therapist said this thing]. And it surprised me because when I think of happy, it can be calm or excited.”

My sister went along with what I said. And then a minute or so later said, “But happy is excited, because whenever they show a picture of what happy is, the person has an excited face.”
(Mind Blown again)

Talking to My Husband

That night, I also talked to my husband about what the threrapist had said. He is not diagnosed, but self identifies as being on the Autism Spectrum too. (Just a note, you may see a trend, he is diagnosed with ADHD as well. So am I, but that’s beside the point.)

I told him, “Our son L’s therapist said something interesting. [the thing that the therapist said] And I talked to my sister about it, and what the therapist said, matched up with how my sister thinks about happiness. And that’s interesting to me because I had never thought of it that way. For me, happy can be excited, but it can also be calm and peaceful. You know?”

He too went along with what I said. And again, a minute or so later he said, “But if happy isn’t excited, then why is it that whenever they have a picture of what happy is, it’s always someone who looks excited?”

^_^ “That’s exactly what my sister said!”
(Triple Mind Blown!)

Definitions

Years later, my husband and I do prefer the definition of “happy” vs “pleasure” by Dr Robert Lustig. Happy being the calmer, longer lasting, contented of the two emotions.

But not everyone is going to agree on definitions. When I talk to other people about emotions, I need to be aware that happy, sad, angry, scared, or surprised mean different things to different people. Also, when kids talk about emotions, they don’t always know the words, but can sometimes describe what their body is experiencing, or call it something like a “sticky” feeling, or a “potato” feeling.

With kids, I’ve learned that they feel validated when I respond with, “I like what you called it” and use their word for it. After they feel validated, I might let them know what other people call it, so they know that other people have felt that way too.

With adults, I try to do the same thing, but I’ll ask clarifying questions as well: “So is it like this?” When I seek emotional support, I often need to dig down to figure out what the feeling is. Sensitive, loving, trusted support people ask the questions that help me define what I’m going through to myself. When it’s my turn to support others I try to do that for them. I’ve learned that validating how an other person experiences emotions, is more important than having that person adopt my definition.

Some Questions for You

• Do you feel the pressure to be excited all the time?
• What helps you “aim for calm”?
• Do you like the definitions of happy?
• How do you experience happy?
• Next time you seek emotional support, what will you say so that you recieve emotional support and not problem solving?
• Next time you need problem solving, how will you indicate that is what you need?
• How would it feel to have your emotions validated?
• How will you extend that kindness to others?