I have ADHD. My spouse has ADHD. My Parents have ADHD. His parents have/had ADHD. Most of my siblings have ADHD. Most of his do too. ADHD is often genetic, so our kids … well some are still too young to tell but … yeah. Today’s story is about one of those kids (I’ll call him W in the post).
Language Disorder
W could hold up his head at birth. W breezed though all the other milestones because he had early head control. By 8 1/2 months he was walking unassisted. By 11 months he was using chairs to climb on top of the kitchen counter. I started hiding the barstools and started tying one leg of each chair to the table. By 13 months, he didn’t need the chairs, he could scale the kitchen counter using only the drawer fronts. W was a master climber and was very determined.
W seemed to be behind in speech, so I had him evaluated by the state funded early intervention group for our area, Kids on the Move. He began the in home therapy where they taught me how to work on speech and behavior with him. I was grateful for their help, and the behavior strategies were working with my other kids, but W was falling further and further behind. He could parrot words but not retain them. It was like pulling teeth to get him to learn his first 50 words.
Behavior was a challenge too. I felt like he didn’t understand the meaning of the word “no”. Like he really didn’t understand the concept. If I didn’t give him what he wanted, he acted like it was because I didn’t understand him. He would proceed to MAKE me understand, or to get it for himself. He was often violent. I started to put locks on anything that was not safe for him to have. Child safe locks took him all of 12 hours to crack. I could not leave him alone not even to go to the bathroom. I was in a state of hypervigilance and combat level stress.
When W was 4 years old, he was diagnosed with Language Disorder and ADHD. He was also showing signs of depression. Language Disorder meant that he was having a hard time processing language. It was like the words were getting stuck on the way in and stuck on the way out. It was like he would reach for a word to use but he couldn’t reach it, so he made a work around. His work-arounds were really cute and funny to adults, but often made him have misunderstandings with other kids. It was pretty isolating for him. The speech therapy wasn’t getting through. The behavior therapy wasn’t getting through.
But the medication could get through.
After W started ADHD medication, the whole world seemed to open up for him. He was the same inquisitive, determined, engineering little guy, just with more focus and direction. And less impulsive too. He Could Stop Himself! He was never able to do that before! The medication put him in the driver’s seat, gave him a better gas pedal and a better break pedal.
What I saw with his speech was miraculous. It was like he had this impossibly high wall in front of him. He needed to climb that wall to acquire speech, which was on the other side. All the motivation (positive or negative, external or intrinsic) could not get him over the wall. But when the medication was active, it was like that wall came down to 3ft (1 m) high. He can climb 3 feet, no problem. He would climb over the wall, acquire some language, acquire some skills, and climb back to the other side. At the end of the day, the medication would wear off, and the wall would go up, but W still had access to the skills he had learned that day. W could finally access language!
Thy walls are continually before me.
Isaiah 49:16
Getting over the Wall of Awful
W isn’t the only one with walls. I have them too. They keep me from being able to do the things that I know I want to do. The best description I have heard of this is the concept of the “Wall of Awful”. Here is an excellent video about the concept. The “Wall of Awful” deserves its own post. For brevity’s sake, the “Wall of Awful” is an emotional wall built from past failures, disappointment, rejection, worry, and fear. Some natural, but ineffective, responses to a wall are to try to run around it (flight) and to stare at it (freeze). The ways to get over the wall are to Hulk Smash through it (not recommended), put a door in it, climb it/ put handholds in it, and dismantle it (or at least lower it).
Hulk Smash through the wall looks like using anger (fight). This is not recommended because acting on the anger hurts my relationships with others. Hulk Smash can also look like turning the anger inward, which harms my relationship with myself.
Putting a door in the wall looks like engaging my emotions or finding ways to make it fun or new. Timers, music, doing it with a friend, using fun bright colors, and rewards for finishing often work like doors. For me, doors seem to be limited use. They may get me started, but eventually the new thing gets old. Some will work for a long time, but are unreliable – they work some days but not others.
Putting Handholds in it so you can climb the wall looks like mental tools and strategies. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy or CBT focuses on a lot a of these strategies. Reach up and Reach out is a strategy. Breaking down the task into smaller, doable tasks is another strategy. There are many others and they deserve their own blog post too.
Dismantling the wall looks like using non-judgement and self compassion whenever I experience failure. The bricks were made by harsh judgement, from myself and from others. If I reach out for empathy from others, and practice self compassion with myself, over time many of the bricks will dissolve. Feeling the pain of having failure lasts only so long. Feeling the pain of being a failure lasts a lifetime.
Facing Your Wall
These questions are to help you take your next step on your journey. You don’t need to answer all of them. Answer the one that sticks out to you. Or answer more if that helps too. Consider writing it down or talking about it with a buddy.
Identify Your Wall
- Where are you getting stuck?
- What do you usually do when you get stuck?
- What are the outcomes of those actions?
Hulk Smash
- When do you use anger to get things done?
- Do you tend to turn anger inward?
- Was there a time when you were about to use anger but recovered? Celebrate it!
Using a Door
- What kinds of things make tasks more fun and exciting for you?
- Consider keeping a running list of “door” strategies. When you need to “do the thing” fast, you can go to that list, pick one thing from the list and try it. If it doesn’t work, try another one.
Handholds in the Wall
- There are mental tools you are already a champ at, what are some of them?
- Using doors are emotional strategies, handholds are mental strategies, they seem different enough to me, does it ring true for you? Are they different for you or are they the same?
Dismantling the Wall
- How can you recognize when you are laying another brick on your wall?
- What will you do next time you recognize you are laying another brick on your wall?
- What regular practices will you put in place to dissolve the bricks?
- Because this one takes constant regular effort, you may need the help of an accountability partner. Who will you ask?
[…] you read my last post, you would know that my son W had a really hard time learning to speak. My son G has no such […]