Today’s post starts with a short, light hearted story. It’s about my son who I will call G.
“The Situation”
If you read my last post, you would know that my son W had a really hard time learning to speak. My son G has no such problem. G is 4, and four year-olds say some funny things.
A few days ago, he came to me and he was stuck inside his shirt.
I expected him to say, “I’m stuck.” or “Mom, Help me!” or “I just can’t”
What he said was:
“Mom, I can’t get out of this … situation!”
A Bid for Connection
I’m so glad my son came to me for help. It was one of the highlights of my day. I had a good laugh, he thought it was funny too. It was a good moment of connection.
When I think of helping my son or someone helping me, I think of a “Bid for Connection“. The concept is, I’m going to say something or signal that I want to connect. It may be a big thing that I’m asking for, but usually it’s something small. I want to connect and the other person can respond in a way that is positive, neutral, or negative (which hurts). The more that person responds positively, the more connected and trusting the relationship can become. Asking for help is a bid for connection, and can increase trust.
I used to feel that asking for help from other people was burdening them. I felt I needed to bring in more than I took out: that’s what good people do. I believed, If I got myself into this mess, I should get myself out of it: that’s what responsible people do. But eventually, my messes were getting progressively bigger and bigger. I couldn’t get out of them alone. So, I asked for help.
The people who came to help me didn’t see me as a burden. They saw me as worthy of care and concern. They saw me as someone to love. They saw me as someone to connect with. They didn’t judge me for needing help. Instead, they used the judgement centers of their brain to decide how much they were able to give, and how to communicate that to me. Clear is kind, and they were very kind. I am grateful for the kindness that was shown to me.
Asking for What You Need
What’s next on your healing journey? Look through these questions and see what stands out to you. Consider writing your answer down (connecting with yourself) or discussing it with a friend (connecting with your friend). ^_^
Bid For Connection
- Is there someone in your life who needs you to respond more positively to their bids for connection?
- How can you change conflict-seeking behaviors into connection-seeking behaviors? At home? At work? In yourself? In your responses to others?
- What do bids for connection look like to you?
Asking for Help
- How do you feel about others when they ask you for help?
- What boundaries do you have around what you can and cannot do to help?
- How do you feel about yourself when you ask others for help?
- What phrases seem to help you to see yourself in a more compassionate light?
[…] and I took out all the prefaces before the title to make it just “The Situation” (read about the situation here). I hope that makes the posts more accessable and less like […]